POEMS by KERRY

Moment of truth.

(1977 Hospital insight.)

Life has been revealed to me.....and all these gifts of life are free.

In looking at myself I saw all my faults exposed and raw.

 I could not hide or run away and say "I ll look another day"

The time had come for me to see, the inside of the outside me.

No ones perfect I would say.

When I was at fault I ran away

And others blamed to rid myself of the guilt and inadequacies that I had.

I had to seek to find the truth

For long since had I lost my use.

In seeking I had to look inside and rid my heart of all false pride.

What had I done to feel so bad. I had lived a lie and felt so sad.

There was very little of the real me. People accepted an act that they could see.

I had to find out who I was. 

I must be accepted for myself, because.... If I’m accepted when I’m only a lie.

Then no one will know me and that real me will die.

So I searched and searched until I found, the real me behind the dreary sham.

I was afraid of the me I saw inside.

But from the truth revealed I could not hide.

I was an insecure, lonely, lost little child.

I was angry, rejected, meek and mild.

I was unlovable no, deprived, misunderstood and bad.

I felt exposed, alienated, confused and so sad.

There was nothing I liked in me that I met but I knew it was the me and I had to accept.

In accepting myself as I really am, I could come out from behind my dreary sham.

I started out with hope and tried, to let go of my ego and false pride.

I had to be humbled to admit defeat, or my life would be an endless repeat.

I started to like myself and grow.

I accepted my pain and took it slow.

I experience the inner me and love and came to believe in an ALL POWERFUL GOD.

Life has been revealed to me.....and all these gifts of life are free.

In looking at myself I saw all my faults exposed and raw.

I could not hide or run away and say "I ll look another day"

The time had come for me to see, the inside of the outside me.

No ones perfect I would say.

When I was at fault I ran away and others blamed to rid myself of the guilt and  inadequacies that I had.

I had to seek to find the truth for long since had I lost my use.

In seeking I had to look inside and rid my heart of all false pride.

What had I done to feel so bad. I had lived a lie and felt so sad.

There was very little of the real me.

People accepted an act that they could see.

I had to find out who I was. 

I must be accepted for myself, because....If I m accepted when I m only a lie.

Then no one will know me and that real me will die.

So I searched and searched until I found, the real me behind the dreary sham.

I was afraid of the me I saw inside.

But from the truth revealed I could not hide.

I was an insecure, lonely, lost little child.

I was angry, rejected, meek and mild.

I was unlovable no, deprived, misunderstood and bad.

I felt exposed, alienated, confused and so sad.

There was nothing I liked in me that I met but I knew it was the me and I had to accept.

In accepting myself as I really am, I could come out from behind my dreary sham.

I started out with hope and

tried, to let go of my ego and false pride.

I had to be humbled to admit defeat, or my life would be an endless repeat.

I started to like myself and grow.

I accepted my pain and took it slow.

I experience the inner me and

love and came to believe in 

an ALL POWERFUL GOD.

LONELINESS AND LOSS

Loneliness and loss of one, clouds that partly hide the sun.

Shades of night with morning mist, a sudden longing to be  kissed.

A creeping darkness entwines my mind, those who try hard to be kind.

Sudden fears for less than reason, rain thats falling out of season.

Having little understand of ones self, looking at an empty shelf.

Trying hard to play the fool, laughter than becomes unreal.

To be alone within a crowd, to suddenly find I m thinking out loud.

To cry until there are no more tears, to face the night with all my fears.

To have to act as others would like, to yell and scream when  all is quiet.

To just be myself and do my best, then I m sure God will take care of the rest.

FEELINGS

Feelings are emotional, they come and go.

Feelings of guilt that I fear will show.

Feelings of doubt that hurt so much.

Feelings just too tender to touch.

Feelings about me I cannot share.

Feelings I think that I can not bare.

Feelings of fear that you wont accept.

Feelings of rejection I always expect.

Feelings of hurt that I have to suppress.

Feelings of care that I cannot express.

Feelings of strain because I can t be. 

Feelings of anger I don t want to see.

Feelings of desperation and hopes that won t last

Feelings of the present becoming the past.

Feelings of wasting today for todays all I have.

Feelings of futility because I feel sad.

Feelings of not giving as much as I could.

Feelings of anguish in knowing I should.

Feelings of resentment because I can t be.

Feelings of self hatred and misery.

Feelings of frustration not knowing what to do. 

Feelings of loneliness and helplessness too.

Feelings of loss and grief that is real.

Feelings so painful I don t want to feel.

Feelings of wanting to scream and to shout.

Feelings of not knowing what my lifes all about.

Feelings of so many things I stuff down inside.

Feelings so scary these feelings I hide. 

Feelings that make me feel sensitive and blue.

Feelings too risky to acknowledge as true.

Feelings I  must not expose as real.

Feelings I deny because its too painful to feel.

My new life unfolded as I was freed from the wreckage of my past and my dead eyes were now alive with inner light.

LIFE. GOD. NATURE.

Have you ever tried to catch the wind or counted the leaves upon the bough?

Have you ever stopped a rainbow falling or sat upon the softest cloud?

Have you ever kept that perfect moment, that’s made life full of every thing?

Have you ever caught the rays of sun light, that dance and jump right through your window pain.

Have you ever found the pot of gold, that awaits us at the rainbows end?

Have you ever sailed into sunset or had a broken heart you could not mend?

Have you ever found a silver lining or given love freely without demand? 

Have you ever kissed the golden dew upon the morning?

Or thanked God for life upon His land.

Poem from EARLY SOBRIETY

From my self made prison I’ve escaped to live my life no more in chains.

No bonds I hold in past regret.

Today is where I am.

My anger released and I can breath the air free from distain.

I had to suffer to find out, inner happiness comes from pain.

I could see what I had do but did not know the road.

Each time I started down the track. I was afraid to go.

I did not have the strength to stand and fight for the what is real. Instead I hid and nearly  lost forever how to feel.

I took the risk and knew at once there  was no turning back

To free myself I must go on to find my inner self.

Each time I fell, no one was there to pull me up again.

I had to go on and exert my faith, endure and accept my pain.

I was confused and felt abused but the choice was mine alone.

To go back would be worse than death. To go on I knew I’d grown.

Fearless Fate

Who are you or I to say what part in life we have to play.

But truth is what we all must seek for to find truth is to strengthen strong or weak.

Why fearless fate did our God take to mold us into different makes.

We’ve only partly opened the door to the dawn, of what we re about and where we are from.

Time goes by testing us as it were for better things that may occur, but fate may ever stay within, so that yesterdays mistakes will tomorrow us stir.

THE POWER OF THE WILL

In my drinking days I thought I was weak willed but lookng at the incredible will I had to drink and keep on drinking and the will to keep on being selfish - my will power was extremely strong to do what I wanted,  no matter how inconsiderate and destructive. 

I had no won t power to stop drinking once I started because I had so much will  power. Everything else went  unattended to, including my children,  to suit my stubborn will.  I had to surrender my will.

LIFE.

Who are you or I to say what part in life we have to play.

But truth is what we all must seek for to find truth is to strengthen strong or weak.

What fearless fate did our God take to mold us into different makes. We ve only partly opened the door to the dawn, of what we re about and where we are from.

Time goes by testing us as it were for better things that may occur, but fate may ever stay within, so that yesterdays mistakes will tomorrow us stir.

INSIGHTS BEFORE RECOVERY

To have in this life something of value, all men must stand alone and look to themselves.

Their own experiences and non experiences - in comparison

to others experiences and 

non experiences. Whether

one has much or little to give, whether one is rich or poor. 

LOVE is something we all need for human survival.

FORGIVING GOD

It is not God who had forgotten me. It was me who had forgotten God. Now I am never alone as long Hi as I m aware I have a friend, who never leaves my side, who understands my pain and joy and loves me faults and all and accepts me as I am.

Through Gods intimate friendship and forgiveness I have been able to accept and forgive myself and have found that God is within and all around and but life is charged with power and beauty and I am His child.